You’re the one who plans social engagements with family members, and also the person who’s in charge of selecting and buying the gifts. You fill out all the forms for school trips and clubs, and you’re the one who keeps track of all the school events. You keep a running, 24/7 mental inventory of chores, errands, and future needs. At night, while lying awake in bed, your mind keeps on dwelling on the things that you need to remind your kids, and stuff you have to buy so you can proactively prevent potential problems before they occur. At the end of the day, you’re exhausted and dazed, and yet, you can’t stop fretting, thinking of all the things that you should be doing to make life flow smoothly for your entire family.
If you can relate, you’re likely a mom who deals with these invisible stressors everyday. According to new research, mothers handle 71 percent of household mental load tasks, while fathers often take a back seat when it comes to dealing with these responsibilities. Constantly taking on the kind of work that’s often unseen can take a toll on your mental wellness since your mind is always occupied, and you feel like you can never get a break. To avoid stress and improve mental clarity, you need to prioritize self care, and consider these strategies to lighten your mental load.
Transfer Full Ownership of Certain Tasks
Dealing with the constant mental labor of planning, scheduling, and organizing household life can be harmful to a mother’s health since this causes chronic stress. This may lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression, and symptoms like headaches and stomach aches. It may also increase the risks of serious health issues like high blood pressure, which accelerates the build up of plaque and causes the arteries to narrow. This may cause severe pain or lead to a heart attack, and to prevent this, a surgeon may have to insert a heart stent to improve blood flow in the artery.
To reduce stress, prevent health problems, and avoid hospital stays or complicated health procedures, transfer full ownership of certain tasks to your partner or an older child. According to board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Sue Varma, moms should feel more comfortable asking for help, and partners should “take something permanently off our plate.” This means that they have to be responsible for the entire process, from planning to execution.
For instance, you can ask your partner to take over after-school sports, which involves making sure that your kids have clean gear and all their equipment to play, preparing snacks and beverages, driving them to the field or practice site, and unloading, cleaning, and storing all the gear once they get home. Meanwhile, your eldest child can be in charge of school supply inventory. They’ll have to check if you have enough school items, buy or order supplies that are running low, store and organize them, and distribute as needed to their siblings. You’ll likely feel the need to oversee or micromanage to make sure that these tasks are done perfectly. But for peace of mind, let go of the idea of perfection, and accept that something that’s “good enough” isn’t that bad after all.
Write it Down
Sometimes, we tend to overthink or dwell on certain tasks since we’re afraid that we might forget to do them. Instead of letting them occupy mental space, write whatever it is that you feel like you need to do on paper. Next, ask yourself, is this something that needs to be done immediately, or can it be postponed for another day? Knowing which activities need your immediate action or attention can make you feel less anxious and more in control since you’re not pressured to do all of them at the same time. You can also write your tasks on a white board or a chalk board, and install it in a visible spot like your kitchen, the study, or the space under your stairs. This will make you feel assured since seeing all your to-do tasks written down means you’re less likely to forget about them.
Prioritize Wellbeing
You won’t be able to take proper care of your family if you don’t take care of yourself, so prioritize your wellbeing. Don’t feel guilty about saying no to extra commitments that add to your mental load. You don’t have to organize your aunt’s birthday party when someone else can do it, nor do you have to take the lead for your daughter’s class’s bake sale. Also, set some time aside to refresh and relax your mind. Try taking a 15-minute walk around the block, enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while sitting in your patio, or have a relaxing shower after doing afternoon chores. Self care activities like these will help to reset your nervous system, relieve stress, and prevent burnout.
You deserve to rest, feel calm, and be supported, just like everyone else in your family. Share your mental load with loved ones and set boundaries so you can prioritize your wellbeing. If mental labor is making you feel unwell, angry, or anxious, consider speaking with a specialized therapist for proper guidance.
